So, uh Lex
What to think about him nowadays?

He tries to kiss me

Too bad Lex, too bad, you couldn't have liked me years ago when I once had a crush on you? Why do you have to have a crush on me now? Why do you like me now? I don't like you like that, I'm sorry.

Past few weeks? All I can say is that I got lost, I couldn't find myself, my sister tried to kill herself, ever since then I haven't been myself, I've been lost, lost in emotions, I've been an emotional wreck, not sure who I was, not sure what I was doing, I randomly burst into tears during the day, it was crazy, but now, things are finally coming back into place, stiching itself back up, my sister's near death really really affected me, It's time to move on now, time to get rid of the pain that came from it, she's alive, she's back home from the hosptial, all I can do is just sign up for Suicide Hotlines, I want to help, I want to make a difference in someone's life, suicide should never be an option. I love life now, I sometimes wish I could just kill myself, but I can't, I've promised so many people I won't, that I will be strong, that I won't let life get me down, I have people worried about me, I can't bring myself to kill myself, I'm not selfish,  I can't do what my sister did to me. I can't hurt my amazing friends, the people who care about me. That would be like slapping them and telling them that I don't love them enough to stay, gah.Life is weird, a roller coaster, but hey. I'm just trying to find my way again.

Oh hell, reading my old blogs are kinda crazy, I think...

What can I say about life? I'm scared of hitting ground zero like I did last year when everything sucked, I'm trying to be strong right now, I'm going no where in life, community college sucks, I want to do better than this, I want to follow my dreams and go somewhere else away from California, Rob is going away for college next year after having a gap year this year, we want to continue being together, but wouldn't that be long distance? So I think it's going to be hard, sigh, so much to worry about, so much crap going on, I can't handle this, I'm scared of life, right now, I'm taking one day at a time, slowly...  I can't wait to get out of here, I do plan on taking a long road trip with one of my best friends to New York.

I haven't updated my LJ in sooo long

FUCK, I JUST WANT HIM HOME ALREADY FROM MEXICO, I"M MISSING HIM LIKE CRAZY AND I DON"T KNOW IF HE IS :-( Oh, Rob, I love you, I miss you, I wish you were home already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-( People who are on different trips are already back! :-( I wish you were, but just 2 more days until you're back and then I'll be complete and I can't wait to see you again and hear your voice again, it's been tooo fucking long and I don't know how I made it, I cried a little, but I miss you so very much, I really do.

lulz

1 2 3 4

argh...

That totally sucks when people say I'm scary because I'm too hyperrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I drank too much coffee today, (I drank 3 cups :-P ) dammit

I'm always in smiles when I'm with Robert, he makes me feeeeeel sooooo gleeful (I can't describe that feeling, but it's just a sense a great great happiness. )  :-)

Meanwhile, I don't know, some black guy on the bus totally harrased me for being asian yesterday, how rude :-\

Seriously, what did I do to deserve an amazing boyfriend like mine? He is beyond amazing, beyond cute, I love him to death, it's been 19 months and I still love him to death, I can't be without him, he's a part of meee... I love him more with every breath truly, madly, deeply.. :-D He would even watch Twilight with meee, how lucky am i? <3 <3 <3

He makes everyday great

It's

"WHY SO SERIOUS?!"

D:

Yeppers

I now will ask that question everytime I get too serious D:

I love my Robert <3

MY BOYFRIEND ROCKS

He makes me happy <3 <3 <3 <3

FTW!

I have the best boyfriend EVER. :-)

I'm scared, I'm scared to lose everyone I love, I'm scared of losing my family, I'm scared of just Rob dumping me... heh, me being paranoid is not cool...

Why is it just so freaking hard to make plans to see you?!?!?! >_> With my friends, it's not even this hard, all I have to do is call them any day and anytime I say I wanna hang out and we just hang out like an hour later... I can't with you, what the heck? :-(

Yes, this is a big deal, I want to see you... I want to see you very much....

I guess I'll have to make plans to see others tomorrow... screw this shit...

That's exactly how I'm feeling, I don't know, I don't know what to be happy about right now...

Nothing is forever, that saying, freaking me out, I'm scared, I'm scared of losing the people i love, people like Robert, Catherine, and all that. :-(

I've lost too much and I can't stand losing more.

Heh, I'm not pumped up for much these days, I don't expect much either. I don't really care (Well, I do a lot, actually) if I can't see Robert... it's whatever... life is just whatever. I've been through so much freaking crap and drama... I don't want to deal with anything anymore. I don't know if I matter to anyone actually, who does care about me?

Yeah, time after time I mention my Robby bear <3. I just CAN'T be without him. My feelings for him are so strong that... actually I don't know, there are really NO words that can describe my feelings for him. Basically wherever I go, there we are. <3 He's amazing with a capital A. I try to not think of him, but no use, he's always in my head, I smile randomly whenever I think of him, which is a lot, he gives me tingles in my stomach, talking to him, seeing him, they all bring warm, warm feelings to my heart. He's so goddamn handsome, he's so goddamn cute, just gahhhhh, EVERYTHING, and I MEAN EVERYTHING about him makes me melt... big time. His eyes, his hair, just basically EVERYTHING. I could spend hours and hours staring at his beautiful face, touching it, and his eyes, my god, they are beautiful. He is a beautiful guy, he is warm and I'm glad I took the time to get to know him, I'm glad I took the time to build a bond with him, a bond that's not easily broken... I love him, but the words I love you aren't enough, I wish I could say more, I wish I can describe the feelings that boil inside me everytime I think of him or when someone mentions his name. I can't describe them, the feelings, they run DEEP. He is the love of my life, every boy I meet from here on will be compared to him. He makes my day, he makes my evening, he makes me happy, very, very happy. :-) 

I'm alright right now, just enjoying time to myself, I need a break from hanging out with people sometimes...


Moses pretty much gave up on me, that's what he told me, he says he knows he can't get with me because Rob and I are basically glued together...lolol. I feel bad that I broke his heart, in a way, heh.

Rosalie died, my beautiful, beautiful guinea pig, she was one that was always there for me, she was who I cuddled with when I miss Robert, she was one that I was so excited to see everyday, it hurts that's she's gone, but I still feel her in my heart, as if she's still alive, but in spirit form. She was very sick, so I'm happy that she's gone to a much better place, away from all this pain and suffering. It would be selfish of me to want her alive. She was a year old and I only had her for about a year, but it was a great year. I'm glad that I had her. It was her time and death is a part of life. Fate is cruel, but hey, what can we do about it? Every life is precious, we shouldn't waste it, we should be not take advantage of the people that are living because they can die anytime, it's only after their gone do we realize how much we love them, how much they mean to us. Rosalie died peacefully on the way to the emergency room. RIP. I love you.


I just hope that Robert doesn't leave me, it would hurt more than you can possibly imagine.

I dunno.

I think life is alright, right now. I hope it stays that way... :-) <3